------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somedays I want to go back.
Sometimes I want to take the easy way out and I want to go back to the life I used to live. The life I used to have. The GOOD life.
The life in which I floated through the world, blissful and unaware. I want to go back to the land where it was so easy to pretend, imagine, believe, and then make for darn sure that my world revolved around ME. My job, my money, my friends, my interests, my hobbies, my clothes, my family, my happiness, and most importantly, MY CONTROL. My world was about what I deserved, wanted, needed, earned, accumulated, felt, saw, touched, tasted, and experienced.
A world where poor people didn't exist.
A world where kids didn't go hungry.
A world where it didn't matter to me that really awful terrible horrible no good and very bad things were happening every second of every minute of every day while I lived and breathed and walked this earth.
A world where everyone I knew was educated, fed, healthy, clean, housed, clothed, loved, capable, safe, wanted, chosen, special, full, satisfied, pretty etc.
A world where driving to the grocery store for that one item I forgot was not an irresponsible use of the money it takes to fill my gas tank. Where that one trip is NOT more money than everyone I know now has for an entire day to feed their family. ($1 dollar per taxi ride to the Pick-N-Pay)
Where Starbucks was just a cup of coffee and not the equivalent of a liquid scalding-hot river of guilt that burns the depths of my soul. Where my morning java routine didn't mock those that would be grateful to have a glass of clean tap water. ($4)
Where flushing toilets and electricity were a INALIENABLE RIGHT and it would have been a humiliating degradation not to have those LUXURIES in your home. (I think my utility bills used to be about $400 a month.)
Where an additional load of laundry to clean my "dirty" clothes didn't imply wastefulness of water, energy, resources or OPPRESSION of some other woman spending her life making or washing clothes she will never be able to afford. ($10 per load. $100 for every new outfit I ever bought from Target.)
Where a diet coke was just a lunch beverage and not a dollar wasted to SATISFY MY NEED for something to keep my going through my "really tough day." Where a tough day didn't mean the horror of modern day slavery or the UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES happening to beautiful precious innocent little girls all over the world today. ($1 every day)
Where Christmas was just a reason to decorate, and not a reflection of my need to FEEL SOMETHING. Where I didn't wonder if all those twinkling lights, fireplaces and comfort foods radiating warmth and heat and light were a replacement for what my heart was supposed to be radiating. (Who the heck knows what we each actually spend on Christmas each year? $100, $1000, $10,000?)
Where I could put on sunglasses and lip gloss to hide my flaws without imploring eyes seemingly interrogating me about how much those sunglasses and that lip gloss costs. A world in which I actually believed that makeup could MAKEUP for my issues and sunglasses could COVER UP my insecurities. ($16 for Target sunglasses, $16 dollar lip gloss.)
Where I could drive my car down an open highway dancing to whatever music I chose without passing hordes of people walking to UNENDING, UNCEASING, UNRELENTING HOPELESSNESS each and every day, while Keisha blasted out of my speakers about being a young and hot-bodied superstar, brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack. ($1 for every song I've ever downloaded because the lyrics made me feel good.)
Where painting my nails was just a way to keep myself looking PUT TOGETHER, and it didn't make me question what it is that ACTUALLY puts me together or makes me beautiful. Where the color of my nails didn't proclaim to the world that I was, and am still indeed, selfish beyond measure, and that my three dollars could have been better spent on behalf of those who HURT and NEED and STARVE. ($3 Walgreens polish)
What it boils down to is this, the UGLY TRUTH:
I want to do what I want to do and I don't want poor people watching me do it. *Ehem* (It's too late. They have MTV in the 3rd world people. They already KNOW!)
So my problem remains that I'm living in a world where poor people are literally, truly and physically my neighbors and I can't shield or distance myself or my self-directed activities from their ever watchful eyes. And that I still want stuff. And that I want to have my cake and eat it too.
What it boils down to is this, the UGLY TRUTH:
I want to do what I want to do and I don't want poor people watching me do it. *Ehem* (It's too late. They have MTV in the 3rd world people. They already KNOW!)
So my problem remains that I'm living in a world where poor people are literally, truly and physically my neighbors and I can't shield or distance myself or my self-directed activities from their ever watchful eyes. And that I still want stuff. And that I want to have my cake and eat it too.
"Where your treasure is there your heart will be also..."'
What did I treasure before? A world where I was educated, fed, healthy, clean, housed, clothed, loved, capable, safe, wanted, chosen, special, full, satisfied, pretty and most importantly SAVED from an eternity without Christ.
What do I treasure now? Making sure that EVERYONE ELSE that has ever taken a breath of the air on this planet has the same chance.
I still believe that world is possible...
Go love your neighbor as yourself.
Go love your neighbor as yourself.
I love you with every single piece of me, Amy Helms. I love every angry word in this post. With the kind of love that makes me angry, too, and stirs up some serious thought in this little brain. Thanks, love.
You seriously inspire me to think, act, walk, talk, love, serve, sacrifice, and be more like Jesus. You're prayed for daily, do you know that? Keep your chin up and your eyes on Him...and keep pumping out these brutally honest, PG-13 posts.