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Each time I wait for that feeling. It gets really quiet inside my head and I can't seem to respond to or concentrate on the person talking to me. It hits me unexpectedly, but it always hits at some point on their very last day. Getting dressed, drying my hair, getting into the car. My hands get sweaty, my heart starts pounding, and I get nervous as I wait for the anxiety to take over. I think I'm going to be sick. I can't talk, the tears fill up my eyes and my voice catches shakily in my throat.
Here comes goodbye.
Again.
It's the "hurry-up-and-wait" of goodbyes that will get you. Making sure they have everything. Putting the luggage in the car. Driving to the airport. Waiting in line to check in. Standing around waiting for that last long hug that has to sustain you for months. The sweet moments of shared prayer not caring who is watching. The last wave. The long walk away from the gate and the last look back.
I've learned a lot about goodbyes this year.
I've put so many people that I love onto a plane flying away from me this past year, that I think I lost count around twenty.
Kaylan Christopher
Ashley Lamb
Katie Defries
Jena & James Nardella
My dear brother Dan
Jess & Mel
Jane Thompson
Tammy & Tracy
John & Jen
Katie Lipovsky & her husband Marc
Jon Bosh
Scott Harris
Emily Borders
My sweet Momma Angie
Becky Gross
But do you know what? Even with all of those goodbyes, God has been so good to me. Each and every time I've had to say goodbye, I've waited for that awful sinking feeling to take over, and instead it hasn't come at all.
Instead of tears of sadness, there have been tears of joy. Instead of being filled with anxiety, I am filled with thankfulness. Instead of fear, there is peace. Instead of being overwhelmed by doubt, I am overwhelmed by His faithfulness to me. Instead of being filled with the pain of loss, I am filled with the purposefulness of why He has me here.
Instead of dreading my frequent late night drive home from the Cape Town airport, it has become a time that I look forward to. Instead of anticipating that the drive ahead will be filled with heartache and angst, I have come to believe that it is an appointed time, a sacred time even. A time where I hear God very clearly calling my name yet again. A re-confirmation. A re-commitment.
I have found that I never drive home alone, and that I never leave that airport without Someone holding my hand. Each and every time Peace has come and taken it's seat as my passenger, safely buckled in alongside of me for the journey, and every time I find myself lifting my hands in praise, recognizing that God keeps calling me here everyday. Thankful doesn't even begin to cover it.
Lord, you are good and your mercy endures forever!
