I crawled through an African cave today and lived to tell about it. No really, I did. It was really, really dark, really wet, and very scary.

And I don't do caves.

Just ask my Dad about that one time in the Catacombs...

This all started when my so-called "friends" Nadine & Stephen met me for hiking on Sunday afternoon. Since our original route did not allow for dogs on the trail, they suggested that we amend our plan and head closer to home to hike Boomslang, in Kalk Bay.

"Aww, how fun! Sunday afternoon hiking close to home, with good friends! What more could a girl ask for?" (Insert sarcasm here.)

Allow me to narrate the photos of our treacherous journey gone all wrong...

"What!?! Tree snakes? Tree snakes in caves? Caves with snakes in trees? Snake trees in caves? Cave snake trees?" You lost me at snake...

We had only gotten a few feet into the total-pitch-black-darkness when my feet hit ankle deep water.

"Uh-oh. Really? You want me to keep moving forward through mossy-wet-slippery-underwater-cave-river crossings?"

I was starting to feel my heartbeat pounding in my head and all I kept seeing in my mind was the scene from Indiana Jones with the rats... (Insert involuntary shudder.)

And do you know what ALWAYS happens in caves in movies? Only bad things happen. No good things ever happen. Ever. I mean, have you ever seen a movie that takes place in a cave in which butterflies-land-on-pretty-people-kissing-while-baby-unicorns-frolick-nearby-with-cute-cuddly-kittens?

"No!?! You haven't!?!" Me either. The only scenes I've ever seen in caves involve the scariest parts of The Goonies, Lord of the Rings and Huck Finn. So listen people... spoiler alert... someone always dies in the cave. It is a FACT. Not everyone is going to make it out alive.

At this point in my cave-fever-induced-irrational-out-loud-musings-about-how-movies-are-based-on-real life, my friend Stephen assured me that in the movies, the big black guy in the back always gets eaten first, so he figured I was pretty safe, since he was indeed a big black guy, and he was taking up the back.

Thank you Stephen, that is SO reassuring.

And then I saw bats less than a foot above my head. Blech. Shriek. Hurl. Gross. Eek.

I cannot take responsibility for anything that happened next.

I believe my exact words were: "Okay. That's it. I'm not kidding here people. I'm SO done."

But unfortunately for all my girly squeamishness, there was no other way out than onward through the mountain, so onward we went. I lost track of time and my reasons for living, but after what seemed like twelve eternities and an light-decade-eon later we arrived at the last stretch of the cave...

Did I mention that we were in a cave? With creepy crawly scary things that go "boo" in the night? And maybe dead bodies? And wet drippy things that fall on your head? And that the last stretch of the cave is a tunnel? Like, a really, really, small tunnel that you have to crawl through in which THINGS are guaranteed reach out and touch you? Eeewwwww.

I only recall begging and pleading for my life once, but the night-vision video on my friend Stephen's phone might testify otherwise. Just for the record, you would scream too if you had to put your hands down into unknown-cavernous-sub-terrainean-ground-like-substances-that-felt-like-mucky-wet-dirty- quicksand-and-belly-crawl-for-at-least-100-yards-to-save-your-own-life... as I obviously reckoned I was doing.

It was not fun. It was not pretty. It was not quiet. You COULD feel sorry for my companions, but they are the ones that got us into this whole mess.

I just figured that the faster I crawled and the louder I cried, whined and moaned about it, the sooner it would all be over.

The good news for you is that I lived to exaggerate blog about it.

Ahhh, but after a few breaths of fresh air, a few long sighs of relief, and some shaky nervous laughter, I came to realize that I was fairly proud of myself for holding it together, and hanging in there like a true champ.

Well... I mean... Err...it probably depends on your definition of "holding it together."

I was just happy that I didn't pee in my pants.

It's the small things we need to appreciate in life people. The small things.

In retrospect, I am now able to say that we had a fantastic time. We shared some really good laughs, albeit most of them at my expense, but I would totally do it again. And really, after you conquer the cave there are some amazingly majestic views that I might never have seen otherwise, as clearly there is no way I would have ever done this on my own.

In the end, it was all worth it, and thanks to my sacrifice, you can enjoy the virtual views from the safe distance of your home computer, having never almost died in a cave. So, you're welcome.

Man, the things I do for you people...

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